Inside: This is a strategy to raise successful kids AND it will help you be the calm mom, both at the same time. It’s a simple practice that becomes a second nature very quickly.
Being a mom is the toughest and most rewarding responsibility you’ll ever experience.
It’s our nature to be protective, possessive, and nurturing for our kids all at the same time and that too constantly. We as moms are wired that way by our physiological and psychological nature.
In other words, our little ones are going to be our world, till our mind is sure that (now) they can take care of themselves.
Where does this possessiveness for our kids come from?
Do you know what makes us different from our animal ancestors, primates? We are the “wise ones” because we developed the ability to think and imagine.
And this capability to imagine is a double-edged sword for us!
As moms, it helps us make our kids more productive because we can think of how to make our kids use their energy constructively, and hence advance in life very quickly.
However, it also makes us possessive about them, because we imagine all kinds of things that can happen to our kids and all kinds of things that they “should be”.
And this dark side of our imagination is an issue we need to get rid of! Because, it’s making us use our energy (which sometimes we don’t have) to push our kids to be something that they are not, and don’t need to be!
What is the problem with being possessive for our kids?
The problem is — it makes us anxious; and in-turn we put unnecessary pressure on our kids, which causes stress between the two of us.
And this unnecessary pressure takes our young child’s attention away from what they like to do and creates confusion in their minds. Which later on turns into self-doubt in their teen years and adult life!
So it is very important to beat our anxiousness around our parenting and train ourselves to be a calm mom.
To be a calm mom, you’ll have to trust your child and develop the patience to wait for your child to be ready to do what they should be doing.
One strategy to beat this possessiveness and become a calm mom!
The strategy is — take some alone time out and define and write down your parenting responsibilities for your children!
The responsibilities you define should be the area of their development that you would like to focus on at the moment, and you can always change them as you feel the need for a change.
It’s very important to define them and write them down; even if you think you know them in your mind already!
Becuase when you sit and write them down, you give those thoughts and desires a correct structure and words.
By writing them down, they become more firm in your mind, and you are more likely to remember the part of their personality that you both are focusing on when your desire for them to do so and so think strikes.
Now just stick with those responsibilities you’ve set, and let all other thoughts slide off your mind when they pop.
Your responsibility for your child could be anything you want it to be, there is no limit or standards.
And the range could vary from making sure they’re 3 years ahead of their peers in their academics or keeping them from hurting themselves fatally and feeding them.
There is no right or wrong!
Your responsibility for your children is very personal to your belief system and desires.
I will just tell you this – it helps when you keep things basic.
#momtip: If you want to focus on being a calm mom with your kids — think of your responsibilities in terms of what is your child is interested in, instead of what they should be doing at that age.
In other words — keep things interest appropriate, and not age appropriate.
I’ll share some examples of what your responsibilities could be, but don’t hold yourself to them, just use them as a guide.
As parents, our necessary responsibilities are keeping them safe and proving them with food, and these are minimal and absolute.
Additional responsibilities for your kids could be:
- Providing them challenging academic material
- Providing them material in life to develop life skills at an early age
- Helping them become independent
- Introducing them to religion or spirituality
- Developing healthy food habits
- Helping them to be physically active.
- Developing their skills in sports or arts
Or just let them be and sticking to basics (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this).
Revisiting your Responsibilities-
It’s a good idea to revisit your responsibilities towards your kids from time to time.
And actually, your anxiousness is a good indicator that it’s time to revisit your responsibilities and change them if needed.
Revisiting your responsibilities helps in 2 ways – first, it helps you remember what you should be focusing on (if you feel you’re deviating) and secondly, it helps to assess if there is a need to change them.
So train your mind to be guided by the responsibilities you’ve chosen to focus on at any given time; instead of anxiousness or possessiveness.
Related: Letting kids see our vulnerabilities
How does defining your responsibility towards your kids helps you to be a calm mom and raise a successful kid?
It helps you beat your impulsive desires of what your child ‘should be’.
When you define your responsibilities for your children, you train your mind to ignore the thoughts of what your child should be doing, and it helps you cherish them for what they are doing.
And when we cherish and accept them unconditionally for who they are, they flourish in their interested field and become the best of what they’re supposed to be.
Is’nt that the key to becoming successful in life — being the best at what we do!
So let me come back at this since it’s a little confusing — When you accept your child to be what they are; they flourish to be the best at interests, and being the best at what you do is the key to be successful in life!
It shifts your brain thoughts!
According to this HuffingtonPost article ;
When we think something it is in the left part of our brain, the more imaginative part. But when we write down those goals we use the right hemisphere of our brain; the more logical part.
So by writing down our goals, we put logic and your mind recognizes the seriousness of it.
Plus, according to a study done at Dominican University in California; people who write down their goals have 42% higher chance of achieving their goals.
How to put this in practice?
I know all this is so emotionally and mentally heavy talk; thank you for staying with me on this one!
So once you have given a structure to your responsibilities for your kids, every-time you find yourself getting anxious about what they should be doing, whether it’s because you want them to do something new or it’s something their friend is already doing.
You should remind yourself of the responsibilities you’ve set or to revisit them if you think that’s needed.
When you remind yourself of what you and your kids are focusing on at the moment, it calms you down very quickly. Because you’re reminded of the good in your situation and that helps you stay unruffled.
So say, your child does not like healthy food while their friend does, remind yourself that your responsibility is providing them with healthy food — eating it or not is their choice, and when they understand the importance of healthy food, they’ll do it.
Or say your child does not know his ABC’s while their friend does, instead of fretting about it; remind yourself — you’ve provided your child with appropriate academic material and are helping him/her with it; now trust them that they’ll get it when they’re ready.
Or the dreaded one — potty training! The concept will click like magic when your child is ready.
Related: Six Tips to Calm Your Toddler
Finally – Forgiving yourself helps a ton!
Being calm doesn’t come naturally to anyone! At least, not “all the time”.
Every mom has her moments, so don’t think you’re alone.
Trying to be calm is a constant struggle and it’s all about training to our minds.
There is always going to be something that will get your nerves, and that’s okay.
Don’t beat yourself about it, FORGIVE YOURSELF.
There is no better formula for an instant calm moment than forgiving yourself.
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